Instead of playing the field - i've already found the guy im going to end up with. 
(So it's a really really bad picture of the two of us but it's really old and I don't feel like going through all my pictures to find a better one.)
Anyway, the past few months though - we havn't been so close. Things havn't been so great around the house. We're going through major financial problems, yea i know everyone is right?, maybe so but i'm not you so of course my problems seem a bit more crucial. Heres my family overview real quick to give you a breakdown of what I live with everyday. My mom, who is a serious superhero. She does everything. She takes care of everyone and never, well rarely breaks down from all the responsibilities she has. My brother who is 8. His name is Cody and he has severe ADHD as well as Autism. Please - don't pity him , that annoys me. With all of this he has still managed to make it to the second grade and become the most important guy in my life. There is my Nanny (grandma) who is getting up there on the age ladder, not much but 64 is becoming a difficult age for her. She's getting older and with that has come mroe attitude, less patience, and of course she's very old school and that conflicts with my beliefs. Believe me - we argue like no other. I think she's the devil and she thinks i'm the devil. Not literal speaking of course, but you get the main overview of the relationship. Then there's my brothers dad who - lets just not go there. My mom and him are not together so please don't think so. Long story short - I grew up without a father and would not let my brother grow up the same. And then theres me. Hey! Yea, just me. The ungrateful seventeen year old who sits on her bum all day and does nothing according to the rest of the world. But in my brain - its not like that. Story of a teenagers life, right? Yeah.
As I was saying things are bad financially as well as everything else of course. When it rains it pours eh old chap? Anywho - my best friend since like sixth grade is Adam. I never ever looked at him as a boyfriend or anything, but within the past year things have really changed. Everything has. And well we ended up together. I always knew really really deep down that I would end up marrying him, I just didnt think i'd be settling so soon. It's ok - at least he makes me happy. However, since I started dating him (which my mother did push for months and months, as well as my nanny and every I have that's ever met him) things have been different in my house. On top of the money stress in the house my family is getting irritated with our relationship. I guess it's because we're together so often. Maybe - I dont know. All I know is that im 17 and I dont feel any where near that age. He is 19, my best friend is 18 and all my friends at college are atleast 18 most 19 or 20. I dont FEEL 17 , I dont SEEM 17. I shouldn't be 17. I've learned to deal with it and im extremely mature for my age. Take that as a obnoxious comment as you want but it was intended that way. It's the truth. Sometimes I forget that im 17 and want my freedom like everyone else has. I think this is where all my problems with my mom are stemming from. I want to go out at night, sleep til noon the next day and basically do what I want. I don't mind staying home during the day and helping but at night I want to bounce out. I can understand from a mom's point of view why she just wants me home sometimes. Im he daughter and technically I am only 17 - but from my eyes (the ungrateful teenager who think about no one but herself) I just want to do what I want with no one to tell me no. Why do I want this? Because all my friends have it.
All I know is it was bad, then I started dating Adam and it got worse. I guess because when I'm around him and he gets to do what he wants I feel like I can to. But in reality, I cant. And I get an attitude when I dont get what I want so therefore conflict arises between mom and I.
So today, a very upset April, told Adam she wanted a break and wouldn't tell him why. I don't know, or want to for that matter, how to tell him it's not him - its me and that I just think I need to get back in check with my family. I dont know. Maybe it was a dumb idea. Maybe I shouldnt be pushing him away because of how I've become. Maybe I shouldnt be doing anything I am. But - it's me and for right now the only thing I can think of to even begin to fix my relationship with my mother - is to take a break from adam and see if it really is him thats affecting my attitude.
I know this post is really jumpy - but give me a break. It's my first one and theres a hell of a lot on my mind.
"A man must be big enough to admit his mistakes, smart enough to profit from them, and strong enough to correct them." - John C. Maxwell
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